Thursday, February 5, 2009

Lacking companionship this Valentine's Day? Come watch people get married! Drink for free!!!

So Valentine's day is here again, and what do ya know, I'm still single! Trust me, it beats the hell out of having to trek out in the cold to collect flowers for some girl you're totally bored with just so you don't spend the next week catching shit about how you take her for granted. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure it's a fun day for those of you in healthy, loving relationships who don't actually need to be slapped in the face with a calender every February as a reminder that you need to produce some atypical sign of affection for the Sig-O. I'm sure some of you will have a nice dinner, a few drinks, and with any luck some raging late night wine-drunk-sex. Me? I'll be going to a wedding. Alone. Under normal circumstances, I could find one of the half-million girls who think I'm an “awesome guy” but would never want to “see me naked” to come for the free food and drink, but since it's on VALENTINE'S DAY, the one's who aren't invited to the wedding will be busy fucking their boyfriends. Fuck my life. So here is my last ditch attempt at finding a date to this sordid affair. If you have even just a few of the following qualities (or know someone who does, and want to ship them down the sardonic abyss that is my existence) you should be my date. In fact, if you have all of the following qualities, we should probably just get married.




Co-Dependency
This might be the most important “quality” I look for in a woman. The only women who have actually shown interest in me throughout the course of my life have been at least a little Co-Dependent. Why this is, I'm not completely certain. Maybe I need some “taking care of”? Who doesn't. You want to cook for me? Fuck yeah! I have all of this unrealized potential and you want to be the one who points me in the right direction? Good fucking luck! If you're looking for an ambitious guy who's willing to scratch and claw his way to the top so he can buy you shit, you're going to hate me. No free Amaretto Stone Sours for you. But if you're the kinda girl who wants to glue together the tiny shards of my self-esteem, or do my laundry, you should call me.



You're able to drink copious amounts of whiskey
Don't fear the reaper, ladies. If you can throw back a shot of whiskey every hour or so without making a face or completely losing your shit, I'm already half-way in love. Jack. Jameson. Makers. Whatever works for you, count me in. Bonus points if you understand the term “neat” or list Powers as your whiskey of choice. If you can't put down your vodka and cranberry for a few seconds and stagger over to the bar to do a shot of something 80 proof or greater at least once or twice throughout the evening, we probably aren't very compatible.

You're hot. You're decent looking. You weigh less than 250 lbs.

This is always the deal breaker, isn't it? I'm kinda scrawny and pale and gawky, but (un)fortunately I've been with a few pretty damn hot women in my years. God knows what the hell was wrong with them. It's a total curse, but my expectations transcend my physical limitations. In fact, if you posses this quality alone it's probably enough to earn you free food and drink, if for no other reason I'm fairly certain my ex-girlfriend will be in attendance. While I'm well beyond the point of being able to induce any jealousy upon her more than a year after the bitter end, I'd rather run into her at a wedding with some hot girl than have her witness me stumbling amidst the party alone after my thirteenth drink. You don't have to be some Anna Kournikova look alike or anything. (I was always a Rose McGowan kinda guy, honestly.) If you're decent looking and you have some of these other qualities, that's a-OK. But please, for the love of god, do not try to introduce me to your terribly overweight friend with a great personality. I know this is a horrible thing to admit, but all of your other sweet, genuine guy friends will totally fucking agree. I'm only human, and I happen to have a Y chromosome.


You're able to tell the difference between a slider and a curve-ball.
Okay, I know I'm asking way too much here, but I dream of meeting a girl who can describe in full detail the nuances that separate the curve-ball from the slider. Pitch grip. Rotation. Speed. I will present my soul on a plate, hand you a fork, and lay a napkin on your lap if you can do this in full detail.


You have a seething hatred for a large portion of the human race

Do you harshly judge other human beings within the first three sentences they speak to you?
Does FOX's latest reality show make you want to crush the average American's skull under the weight of the 80 lb. Television set you bought in 1998? Do you have an unspoken desire to kick certain (most) pregnant women in the stomach because you know they're merely going to produce another strain of virus that is the human race? Good! We'll have enough conversation fodder to avoid uncomfortable silence for at least a few hours, and by then you'll be full of enough whiskey to think making out with me is a great idea.


These are just the basic traits I look for in a woman. Give me a few more hours, and I'm sure this topic could become considerably more disturbing. It's amazing I've failed so miserably thus far. Perhaps one day my gorgeous, alcoholic, baseball loving, jaded, co-dependent woman will manifest. Until then I can only hope.

AND if anyone can give me a good reason NOT to post this on craigslist in the next 72 hours, I won't.





14 comments:

  1. http://www.myspace.com/Error404msp.aspx?c=11

    myspace is blocking your links to this blog site

    ReplyDelete
  2. oh and i say this could possibly be a best of craigslist contender

    ReplyDelete
  3. oh, oh and if you do post this on craigslist you should link this site so they can read some of your other rants. maybe you'll find "the one"!

    ReplyDelete
  4. well fuck myspace. I figure it might warrant a halfway interesting response or 2...

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  5. This is fucking awesome. Seriously. I laughed a bunch.

    One day you'll find your dream woman and you can hate everything together...and I agree with Shafar...put this on craigslist. Please.

    Please.

    I like how you asked for people to talk you out of doing it and all we're doing is encouraging.

    ReplyDelete
  6. http://chicago.craigslist.org/chc/m4w/1018216338.html

    I tried to find your posting on Craiglist but didn't see anything but I did find your competion...

    Kim

    ReplyDelete
  7. www.notbrad.com/js.html

    Try posting the first paragraph and then "click the following link to continue"

    and then post the link above, then it will break any kind of "blog whoring defense mechanism" that they have created. I guess tiny url would work the same, but this way, its not tinyurl to google. . .

    ReplyDelete
  8. that guy doesnt have a job, but he does have a double major. classic.

    ReplyDelete
  9. The 28 looking for a hot mess could've very well been a jason savage drunk post. You two should meet Jsav.

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  10. alright you bitches. here goes. tell your fucking friends.

    ReplyDelete
  11. so far... 1 response...and it was spam.

    ReplyDelete
  12. wow the 28 year old from wrigleyville is my fucking hero. maybe i wrote that while riding the black out train.

    ReplyDelete
  13. "Not cats or dogs that look like cats. Also dogs in clothes."

    "You can throw a spiral."

    "Likes dates in the ironic sense but we can enjoy going to Olive Garden unironically."

    bloody fucking brilliant

    ReplyDelete